On loneliness

 

lately I have been writing a lot in my head .I pen wholesome essays as I drift to sleep ;only to erase them and draft up fresher ones. this is the brain's idea of dumping thoughts without committing them to paper. a way of escapism. because the topic in question is too close to home. the type of thing you only voice to tipsy friends so that no one remembers you saying it the next day.

loneliness is an interesting idea. you always hope it remains an idea until one evening, it comes knocking at your door; slowly seeping in through the wall cracks without caring for an invite. it begins as a knot in your chest that builds into an aching, a longing. sometimes for times past; when you felt alive. sometimes for moments that never were, but that you daydreamt more often than you care to recall.

    

so you cope. in ways that fill you with shame. browsing dark corners of the internet that exist for the likes of you. you cling onto every strangers gaze, linger onto casual hugs and stalk online profiles you'll never meet. you tell yourself that it is okay, commendable even; that you can make it on your own. that you don't need anyone to hold onto. you say you are creating boundaries, habits that will allow you to forge healthy relationships. but you know better. you understand that these are excuses to soothe your broken psyche. you hope to bump into someone who will take an interest in you. anyone.  

    

you people watch and dance to love songs obsessively. you grow angry at unanswered dms .but that anger is a secondary emotion. the real emotion- is the silent scream within you. for help. for attention. for connection. a craving. and you make up elaborate essays debating your choices. because that is the one thing you can at least do well.